The Dragonfly

As summer fades away and autumn makes its stand, I sit here shivering, wishing for the longer days and the warmer weather once more.  I find myself busier than ever and like the leaves, my life too is changing; I can only hope for the better.  A few months ago, I was sitting outside, basking in the sun (waiting for my shih tzu to go “potty”) when a lovely dragonfly landed upon my forearm.  I was captivated by its beauty.  Long, slender, iridescent wings, that shimmered and glistened in the sun, attached to a thin black body.  It stayed but a moment and buzzed off.  In that brief encounter, it changed my entire mood.  I was ecstatic that nature took a moment to say hello, as I often neglect to say hello to it.  A few moments later, the same dragonfly came back to land once more on my forearm.  Are you kidding me!?!  I completely froze, not wanting to scare it off.  This time, it lingered a while longer.

I stared at it, as if it held all of life’s answers; pondered about what the encounter might mean.  Was my Granny saying hello from above?  Was this a sign telling me to slow down and enjoy life? In the end, it flew away before it relinquished its answers, leaving me yearning for knowledge, but with a sense of peace. With nothing left to do, I decided to take my little dog inside.

Curiosity got the best of me; I couldn’t leave well enough alone.  The first thing I did was search the internet.  My first search was the significance of the dragonfly.  It turns out that the dragonfly is indicative of change in ones life.  Okay… I can go with that one.  I recently started a new job and I am going to be doing a lot (and I mean A LOT) of traveling soon.  I also just started teaching yoga at a new location and supposedly, I’ll be teaching at another location once it opens up.

Dragonflies also are indicative of transformation.  Am I going through a transformation?  That I’m not quite so certain of.  Maybe I am.  I feel like I am struggling to find my way.  At times, I feel as if I am “on the path” and I know exactly where I am going and then, somehow… I get lost.  For instance, I was saving up to go to India and I had this plan all hatched out in my head that would ultimately get me to being an ashtanga yoga teacher.

I was practicing Ashtanga regularly, getting oversight by amazing teachers, teaching, saving, etc.  Now, I have this new job (which I wanted, btw) and I am gone from 6 am to at least 6 pm M-F.  I am sad to say that by the time I get home I am not motivated or energized enough to practice.  :/  My weekends are just as busy, I’m a yoga instructor and I am currently teaching both Saturday and Sunday.  My practice is sorely lacking and I can hardly find time to make it to the shala.  Pretty soon, I will be traveling back and forth to Nigeria and all of those things will fall apart.  All of my money I had saved to go to India I spent so my husband could go to Nigeria with me next month.

As of now, I am lost.  I can no longer see the path.  I am certain that there IS a path and I am certain that I will find it once more, I just don’t know when or how.  That is scary.  Maybe this is my transformation.  I believe that every once and a while you have these struggles, these little tests.  Sometimes you still end up at the same final destination as you planned.  Other times, the wind catches your sails and blows you in another direction entirely.  You have to ride it out and then get your bearings.  That is kind of what is happening to me now.  I let out my sails, thinking I would sail headlong into the sunset, yet a strong wind came and now I’m being blown off course.

The destination I was headed is fading further from my sight and my frustration is rising.  I am just about at the point of surrender though.  I am pretty sure that there is something better in store for me.  Maybe what I thought was meant for me WASN’T.  Maybe it wasn’t meant for me NOW.  Maybe it WAS meant for me, but something changed.  All I know is that if I keep my sights set on the destination that I wanted to go in, I’m not going to see where I am actually going.  Would you drive a car looking constantly in the rearview mirror or out the right window?  I’m headed for a crash if I keep looking anywhere but forward.  It is time that I change the direction I am looking.  It is time that I let go and transform my life into whatever it is meant to be NOW.

Here’s to the dragonfly that twice landed on me this summer.

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